Word count: 1,000+ so far
Warnings: Spoilers for Into Darkness.
Additional Pairings: alludes to Spock/Uhura
Summary: Our heroes (and villains) are forced to watch Star Trek Into Darkness and comment on it. This is a humor/parody fic of the new Star Trek movie. The whole thing is a HUGE SPOILER. Follows the same template as my first fic when they watch the 2009 movie. I mention Spock/Uhura cause that is the ship in the movie, but I of course allude to K/S and a bunch of other ships too.
Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nutrek blongs to Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman.
A/N: I based this format of a humor fic on one found in the Pirates of the Caribbean section after I asked that author's permission. I thought it was only logical to apply it to Star Trek.
A/N2: I wrote something similar for Star Trek 2009 and now I am doing it for Star Trek Into Darkness. Obviously, there are LOTS of spoilers. Also, no, my memory is not that good. The second time I saw the movie I took seven pages of notes. In the dark. With an orange marker.
Thanks to my sister for betaing.
Warning: CRACK. Also, lame inside jokes for people who know Trek.
The Enterprise Gang Watches Star Trek Into Darkness
Chapter One: Pike Goes To Greener Pastures
Poof! All of the sudden, the entire cast from Star Trek Into Darkness found themselves stranded in a deserted warehouse on Kronos, homeworld of the Klingons. They plunked down on a large sofa in front of a massive plasma screen TV.
“Not again,” Kirk groaned.
“Captain, I believe we have been held hostage against our will by an unknown force,” said Spock. “It would be only logical if we all watched the movie. Last time this happened, as soon as the movie was over, we were free to go.”
"That sounds good to me," said John Harrison. “You know, I am the best thing about the movie.”
“Why would you say that?” Dr. McCoy asked, even though he already knew.
“Because I am better than all of you guys,” Harrison said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “I’m better than Uhura at languages. I’m better than Spock at science. I’m better than Sulu at driving… err piloting. I’m better than Chekov at being Russian. Best of all, I’m better than Kirk in bed.”
“Hey!” Kirk protested, because he had a fake reputation to protect. “You don’t know that. You don’t know my life!”
"Perhaps I should test that theory on Mr. Spock," John Harrison said smugly, carefully watching Kirk for his reaction.
“Don’t talk about my first officer that way!” Kirk pouted, glaring at Harrison. “Besides, he would never cheat on Uhura.”
“Then maybe I should test my theory on you?” Harrison offered.
“Me?” Kirk squeaked. “You don’t even know if I’m into guys.”
Harrison just rolled his eyes. “Now you are insulting my intelligence.”
“Excuse me!” Carol Marcus asked, interrupting their little love fest. “How does this work, exactly? I wasn’t here the last time this happened.”
"We just have to watch the movie and comment on it as we see fit,” Uhura explained, motioning towards the screen. "Look! It's starting. Everybody shut up."
Everybody took the hint and turned their attentions to the movie. And when I mean everybody, I mean Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Uhura, Scotty, Keenser, Sulu, Chekov, Admiral Pike, Admiral Marcus, Carol Marcus, Cupcake, a bunch of random nameless male Klingons, and last but certainly not least, Khan - err John Harrison. They barely all fit on the super large couch. McCoy was stuck next to the Klingons, who were giving off a very strange smell. He hoped to God it wasn’t pheromones. It had been tough enough when Jim had been banging that Orion chick before the Battle of Vulcan, who used to come around shared their dorm room.
The Paramount logo flashed across the screen, followed by the Bad Robot logo. The movie opened with Kirk and Bones being chased by the indigenous people of Nibiru, a class-M planet. The year was 2259.
“I hate this!” McCoy shouted on the screen as he booked it outta there.
“I know you do!” Kirk answered before they jumped off the cliff and landed safely in the water, only to swim underwater into an open porthole on the Enterprise, which was resting comfortably in the ocean. Kirk and Bones really rocked the wetsuits, which were really tight fitting.
Everyone watched the events that led to Spock’s rescue from the volcano via the Enterprise and the subsequent breaking of the Prime Directive, which apparently was a big no-no. Spock tried to inch closer to Uhura on the couch in an attempt to comfort her but she glared daggers at him so he stopped.
“Are you guys fighting?” Kirk asked, trying not to sound too hopeful.
“Of course not,” said Uhura, in a tone that meant the opposite of what she said.
“Unclear,” said Spock.
“Shame, shame, shame, Jim,” said Captain Pike, shaking his finger at Kirk. “That was such a poor command decision. Why, if I’d been in command…” He rattled off a long-winded plan that no one paid attention to, except for possibly his mentor, Admiral Marcus.
“Oh My Surak, you made me lose my command, Pike!” Kirk sniffed as they watched that scene play out. “You too, Spock – you filed that stupid report without telling me. I guess I should never trust a Vulcan unless he is Spock Prime.” His eyes began to water. “Can someone give me a tissue?”
"Here you go, Keptin," Chekov said happily. “You are such a sensitive, mature person. It is wery attractive. Objectively, of course.”
“Thanks,” said Kirk, blowing his nose loudly. “Trust me; this will only get worse when Pike dies.”
“Here, have the whole box,” Sulu offered. “I’m too bad ass to cry.”
“It’s true,” Chekov agreed. “He is.”
“Pike dies?!” Khan cried, gasping in horror. “I-I didn’t know. That is so SAD!”
“What do you mean you didn’t know, fool?” Admiral Marcus accused. “You killed him when you fired on us high ranking officials with your stupid shuttle. Also, you killed a bunch of people in London because I know you were behind the terrorist attack.”
“I didn’t mean to kill anyone,” Khan blubbered. “It just happened. I wanted to save my seventy-two sleeping crew members. Desperate times call for desperate measures! I did it for the greater good of humanity.”
“Do not listen to him,” Spock Prime piped up. “He will only manipulate you and stab you in the back. And try to take over your ship. Trust me, I know.”
“Shhhh!” said Khan. “You can’t tell them about your timeline, remember? It’s against the Very Important Temporal Police Rules.”
“That sounds like B.S. to me,” said Kirk.
“Really, genius?” Uhura said sarcastically. “Because Khan never bullshits people. Can we please get back to the movie?”
“I’m sorry, Nyota,” Khan apologized. “We’ll stop talking so you can hear.”
“It’s okay, Khan.” She gave him a quick hug and he felt a little better about inadvertently killing Pike.
They all watched as Lucille Harewood’s dad made a deal with Khan. He gave his special blood to Mr. Harewood, who used it to heal his daughter and pull her out of a coma. Then he reported to the Kelvin Memorial Archive, aka a secret department of Starfleet called Section 31. They didn’t have to follow hardly any rules because they were gathering all sorts of intelligence about the Klingons and other races that were possible threats to the Federation. Mr. Harewood kept up his end of the deal and set off a bomb that blew up the archive and wreaked havoc on the citizens of London.
Then Starfleet called a meeting between all the high ranking officials. Khan showed up in a shuttle outside the window and wounded a bunch of VIPs with his phaser cannons before Kirk took his ship out with some really quick thinking. Khan wasn’t hurt though because he beamed outta there. Spock melded with Pike during his last minute in the land of the living. Pike looked really scared, which was understandable given the circumstances. Suddenly, Pike breathed no more.
“Does anyone want to say anything?” Kirk asked as they watched him cry over Pike’s body onscreen. “About how Pike was a fine officer and shit like that?”
Chekov did. He said a really long prayer – the only problem was that it was in Russian so no one could understand him, except Uhura. Because she knew Russian. Apparently. Either that or she had a hidden universal translator.
“We’ll miss you, Admiral Pike,” Kirk said, his voice wavering a bit. “You were like a second father to me and you were an amazing captain. May you rest in peace.”
“You were a good man,” Bones added. “Anyone else?” No one else said anything. “Well, folks, he’s gone to greener pastures.”
“You mean he is deceased,” said Spock, raising an eyebrow.
“Don’t say it like that!” Khan protested. “Gone to greener pastures sounds nicer.”
“I do not believe that we go to ‘greener pastures’ when we die,” said Spock. “That is the most illogical thing I have ever heard!”
“But that’s what my genetic superhuman religion says!” Khan blubbered. “When I die, I wanna frolic in the fields and stuff.”
“Are you sure you will die?” said Bones. “I thought your blood makes you immortal.”
“Noooooooo! I’ll be alone forever!” Khan sobbed. “That is the worst! God, my life sucks. The last person I was into broke up with me because I kept quoting Sherlock Holmes in bed. I’ll never find someone who accepts me for who I am inside!”
“Khannie wannie can’t find anyone who will date him,” Sulu sniggered to Chekov, who giggled.
“Wait a second - I have a great idea! Khan, you should date Kirk!” Carol suggested. “You guys are both single and that would be really hot.”
“Yes! I was thinking the same thing!” Uhura gave her a high five.
Spock’s eyes widened. The two women had just Vulcan kissed directly in front of him. Kirk caught his eye and waggled his eyebrows because he was smart and he knew what a Vulcan kiss looked like. Spock just looked away, blushing green.
Everyone was still waiting for Kirk to answer.
“I’m not dating Khan,” Kirk said firmly. “He’s 300 years old! I’m into a lot of kinky stuff, but that is a little much, even for me. And also, the Sherlock thing is a little weird. I don’t think we’d be very compatible.”
“I quote Sherlock Holmes on occasion,” said Spock with teeny frown.
“And I love that about you, Spock,” Kirk said quickly. “You do it so well!”
“Hey! But you just said…” Khan protested.
Spock Prime nerve pinched Khan, who passed out cold.
“Thanks,” said Kirk, relieved. “He was starting to annoy me.”
“You are most welcome, Jim,” said Spock Prime, his ancient eyes twinkling with mirth.
Young Spock’s eyebrows twitched at that exchange. He wasn’t jealous or anything, he just thought it was rather forward of Ambassador Spock to call his captain by his first name.
Luckily everyone’s attention was diverted by the movie when Kirk asked Admiral Marcus if he and Spock could go after Khan.
End Chapter 1
A/N: Questions, comments, concerns? Let me know!! I just HAD to reference Sherlock. Hehe!