Word count: 3,700+ so far
Warnings: Spoilers for Into Darkness.
Additional Pairings: alludes to Spock/Uhura
Summary: Our heroes (and villains) are forced to watch Star Trek Into Darkness and comment on it. This is a humor/parody fic of the new Star Trek movie. The whole thing is a HUGE SPOILER. Follows the same template as my first fic when they watch the 2009 movie. I mention Spock/Uhura cause that is the ship in the movie, but I of course allude to K/S and a bunch of other ships too.
Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nutrek blongs to Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman.
A/N: I based this format of a humor fic on one found in the Pirates of the Caribbean section after I asked that author's permission. I thought it was only logical to apply it to Star Trek.
A/N2: I wrote something similar for Star Trek 2009 and now I am doing it for Star Trek Into Darkness. Obviously, there are LOTS of spoilers. Someone asked me to put more K/S in there so I did. Enjoy the second chapter.
The Enterprise Gang Watches Star Trek Into Darkness
Chapter Two: Operation - Kill Harrison
"Wait a second," Khan commanded. "Go back. People were talking when Kirk and Spock were called into a meeting with Captain Pike. I wasn't there for that part and I wish to see it."
"Fine," said Kirk. "But I'm only doing this because you have a sexy voice."
Kirk skipped back so they could watch the scene where Kirk got chewed out by Pike. Then it cut to Kirk getting super drunk in an out-of-the-way bar.
"After you heard the news about losing the Enterprise you went and imbibed an excess of alcohol?" Spock's voice was practically dripping with disapproval as the bar scene played out. "Why?"
"Because my First Officer stabbed me in the back and as a result I fucking lost my ship!" Kirk defended himself. "Getting drunk off my ass so I wouldn't feel anymore was the only logical option."
"Jim, I am sorry," Spock said softly. "Had I anticipated your reaction I might not have sent that incriminating report to Starfleet."
"Might not have? Oh geez." Kirk sighed and rolled his eyes.
"You guys shh!" said Sulu. "This is a good scene between Kirk and Pike. It really shows how much Kirk depends on Pike for acceptance, and the emotional pay off comes later during Pike's death scene."
"Wahhhhh!" cried Kirk, who leaned over into Spock for comfort. Spock awkwardly patted his shoulder and Kirk sat back up again.
They all watched as Pike told Jim about his new orders. He was to serve on the Enterprise as First Officer under Pike's command. Spock would be transferred to serve as First Officer on the USS Bradbury.
The movie played on. "It's gonna be alright, son," Pike said comfortingly to a very grateful Kirk.
"Man, I am such a good father figure for Kirk," Pike commented as he watched himself. "It's a shame I had to get killed off so early in the movie."
Bones suddenly gave Kirk a hypo to calm him down before Kirk could have another crying spell over Pike's death. The hypo had a strange side effect - it made Kirk grin dreamily at Spock. Or maybe it wasn't the hypo at all… the doctor couldn't be sure.
"What did you do to him?" Uhura asked.
"I had to shut him up!" Bones explained. "His crying isn't good for his captainly image. Plus he was starting to annoy me."
"I don't think what you did is an improvement," Khan cautioned as they all watched Kirk pet Spock's perfectly arranged bangs. Spock batted his hands away.
Bones grabbed Kirk and separated him from Spock. He put Kirk between himself and the Klingons. Let Kirk deal with them, he thought.
"Kapla," said Kirk, because that was the only Klingon word he knew. He thought it meant 'hello' but he couldn't be sure. The Klingons just ignored him and kept to themselves.
Meanwhile, in the movie, the scene changed to the meeting of the Starfleet high ranking officials. Kirk, Spock, Pike, and Admiral Marcus were among those present.
"Hi, Dad!" Carol waved happily at the screen.
"What the hell? Why are you so cheerful?" Kirk asked, indignant. "He betrayed Starfleet and tried to kill us all!"
"Oh yeah, I forgot." She lowered her voice to a whisper. "I was thinking about who would be the hottest to go to bed with – you, McCoy, or Khan. Hypothetically, of course. I'm not that easy."
"That's a no brainer!" said Kirk, raising his voice. "Me!"
"I don't know – Khan has got to be the best. He said he was better at everything. I think I'll go with him," Carol decided.
Kirk and Bones were not amused.
"What is this, do, date, or marry?" Bones complained.
Khan, on the other hand, stood up and did a victory danced which reminded everyone of the antiquated Harlem Shake.
"Why would you choose him?" Kirk cried. "He's a 300 year old popsicle! He probably forgot how to please women."
"I did not!" Khan protested. "All of my knowledge is still intact."
"Hey guys, as interesting as this debate is, this is an important part!" Uhura called their attention back to the screen.
Apparently, forty-two people had been killed in the terrorist attack at the Kelvin Archives Library. Kirk was looking at his PADD when he zoomed on the picture of the suspect, one John Harrison. He had a bad feeling about this…
"Clear the room!" Kirk shouted.
But it was too late – Khan was already shooting at them from his shuttle, which was hovering outside.
"Look, Spock, I am so bad ass here!" Kirk bragged.
Spock secretly agreed. He enjoyed watching Kirk in action very much.
They all watched as Kirk mastered his fear, grabbed someone's discarded gun, and shot at Khan. Kirk then proceeded to access a conveniently placed wall terminal where he pulled out a long cable (or maybe a fire hose, it was hard to tell). Then, the brave captain threw the device in the shuttle's general direction. He got lucky, as it took out one of Khan's engines. Khan's ship crashed to the ground but not before he was safely beamed out.
"Khan, I can't believe you transported directly to Kronos!" Scotty exclaimed. "That planet is super far away from Earth."
"You're right," said Khan. "Just chalk it up to movie magic because 23rd century science sure the hell can't explain it."
"Oh alright," said Scotty, sounding dejected. "But I'm still pissed that they invented a portable transwarp device. WTF does that even mean?"
"Nobody knows vhat it means!" Chekov insisted. "But I do know it was inwented in- "
"RUSSIA!" Everyone chorused.
"Exactly," said Chekov, happy that people had finally caught on.
Everyone's attention was called back to the screen as Spock melded with Pike right before he died. It was very sad. Kirk cried in a very manly fashion over his mentor's dead body. Then he placed a hand on Spock's shoulder and left the room.
"Okay, Admiral Marcus, what is up with Section 31?" Kirk rounded on the unsuspecting man.
"It's classified," said Marcus.
"Why is the Kelvin Memorial Library a front for this special branch of Starfleet?" Spock pressed.
"It's classified," Marcus said again. His expression did not change.
"Why are you such a power-hungry warmonger?" Kirk wondered.
"It's classi… wait a second." The admiral glared at Kirk, who gave him his infamous 'who me' look.
"Look. Why don't you just tell us everything?" Kirk asked. "You might feel better if you get it off your chest."
"You want the truth?" Marcus growled.
"Yes!" Kirk and Spock exclaimed.
"You can't handle the truth!"
Kirk and Spock exchanged a look and left Admiral Marcus alone. Short of torture, they weren't going to get him to reveal anything.
Then the scene changed. Kirk asked Marcus if he could go after John Harrison and get his ship back. Marcus said he could. Then he asked if Spock could be reinstated as his First Officer. Thankfully, Marcus agreed.
"You're not actually going after this guy, are you?" McCoy asked as he waved a medical scanner in Kirk's face.
Kirk answered in the affirmative. McCoy, Kirk, and Spock all boarded the shuttle to the Enterprise. They were joined by Carol Marcus, who used her mom's maiden name of Wallace to escape detection. Kirk was very pleased to see the hot blonde. He didn't question her reason for being there at all, much to Spock's disapproval. Once they arrived, Kirk then headed to engineering to check in with Scotty.
"I can't believe I fell for that torpedo crap," Kirk groaned as they watched personnel load one of the seventy-two torpedoes on to the Enterprise.
"Jim, I thought we were explorers," said a very worried Scotty. He refused to sign off on the order.
"I knew there was something fishy going on," Scotty cried as he and Kirk got into a power struggle on screen. "But nooooo. You didn't want to listen."
Scotty was promptly fired as Kirk's temper flared.
"It wasn't my brightest moment," Kirk admitted.
"I too tried to warn you that something was not right," said Spock with a bit of a pout. "But you were too busy flirting with Carol to notice."
"I was still in shock from Pike's death," Kirk defended himself. "Besides, I liked the distraction. At least Carol didn't question every single one of my executive decisions, unlike somebody."
"Trouble in paradise?" Khan suggested.
That earned him a glare from both Kirk and Spock.
"Spock has a girlfriend!" Kirk reminded him. "I would never do anything to sabotage their relationship. I think."
"I was kidding!" said Khan. Then he lowered his voice. "But, Captain, I see I have stumbled upon your secret desire for Spock. Please, do tell me more! I always loved a story about epic star-crossed lovers."
"Then you should watch Star Trek III: The Search For Spock," Ambassador Spock offered.
"What a fabulous idea!" Khan enthused. "I totally will right after I take over the universe." Then he returned his attention to the screen.
The movie showed Kirk and Uhura in the turbolift commiserating over Spock and his overwhelming Vulcan personality.
"Sometimes I want to rip his bangs out!" Kirk exclaimed. "Maybe it's me."
"It isn't you," said Uhura.
"Wait a minute," said Kirk. "Are you guys fighting?" He tried not to sound too hopeful. "What's that even like?"
Uhura didn't answer, which was an answer. The turbolift opened on the bridge, effectively cutting off any further conversation between them.
"Ears burning?" Kirk asked as he brushed past his Vulcan officer.
"That was such a derogatory comment," said Spock. "Especially since I am now a member of an endangered species."
"I was just teasing," said Kirk. "Plus it was too good of an opportunity to pass up. I've been wanting to use that one for weeks."
They were quiet for once as Kirk asked Sulu to 'punch it'. The Enterprise warped out of space dock, on a mission to find John Harrison and take him out. It sounded simple enough.
Little did they know that if they took Harrison hostage that the USS Vengeance and Admiral Marcus would be waiting for them…
End Chapter 2
A/N: Kapla means 'success' in Klingon. That's the only Klingon word I know LOL.